Tory interview runs on tears

saf2008 27/06/2019 The Gurdian BTL comment
John Crace political sketch.
This is not my writing but so delicious it deserves tribute and conservation.

Tonight at the Tory Hustings (kind of)

Hannah Vaughan Jones: “Mr Cu… Hunt, why should you be PM?”
Hunt: “I will be the first ever PM with a background as an entrepreneur and I will be someone prepared to walk away if we don’t get what we need.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “Would you walk away from Trump?”
Hunt: “No, the USA is a great ally.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “But if you don’t get what you want from the USA, you walk away, right?”
Boris: “That’s different, the USA is our oldest ally, we have a longer and better relationship with the USA than say, France. Do the French have a bust of a Past Prime Minister in the Oval Office?”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “No, they have the Statute of Liberty and the British burnt the original Oval Office to the ground. The new Oval Office sits opposite Lafayette Square – the clue is in the name.”
Hunt: “I don’t accept those facts.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “Oh Christ, moving on…will you have a general election?”
Hunt: “I won’t fight an election until we’ve left the European Union.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “So you won’t have an election until November 1st?”
Hunt: “…well I…”
Boris: “We need to come out of the EU on October 31st, with the help of someone who believes in the Brexit project.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “Do you believe in the Brexit project?”
Boris: “Depends who’s asking? We need to unite our party and our country – I was able to unite Londonders as Mayor.” 
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “But there were riots in 2011?”
Boris: “Exactly, the people came together…”
Hunt: “Hello?”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “Oh Christ, moving on…what else will you do to repair the country?”
Boris: “Faster broadband for all parts of the country.” 
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “Broadband, you think broadband will unite the country?”
Boris: “…I have absolutely no idea…oh HS2 and the Northern Powerhouse, yes, yes Crossrail, Boris Bikes.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “Do you just say the first thing that comes into you head?”
Boris: “Fishfingers.”
Hunt: “Hello? I am still here!”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “OK, what will be your stance on immigration?”
Boris: “There has not been any other Tory politician being as committed to ‘talent’ as I have been.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.”
Boris: “Me neither.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “How would you get young people to vote Tory?”
Boris: “Bribe them? Maybe ease the excessive burden of student debt and the solution may lie in the interest rate, or, I don’t know, something else?”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “But the Tories increased the tuition fees and on average students leave with £50,000+ of debt?”
Boris: “Oh, I didn’t realise it was so low. I could pay that off in a couple of articles.”
Hunt: “Hello? Can you see me? I can see me, look here’s my hand!”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “Will you give Nigel Farage a part in EU negotiations?”
Boris: “No, I will not give people in my own party the oxygen of publicity, never mind people in other parties.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “So it’s all about Boris Johnson?”
Boris: “Thank you for saying so!”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “Would you call a general election in case parliament blocks no deal?”
Boris: “No, but I might block Parliament. We won’t have a General Election until were get Brexit.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “So you won’t have an election until November 1st?” 
Boris: “I have no idea…about anything…but it is absolutely vital that we prepare for a no-deal Brexit if we are going to get a deal. But I don’t think that is where we are going to end up – I think it is a million-to-one against – but it is vital that we prepare.”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “So we are going to spend billions of pounds to prepare on something that’s a million-to-one chance of happening?”
Boris: “…too high eh? OK, how about 100,000 to 1…hmmm, still too high, oh I know 10 to 1!”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “You really do just say the first thing that comes into your head don’t you?”
Boris: “…a sheep in a thong and a mermaid with robot legs…”
Hannah Vaughan Jones: “OK, you know what I am done…you two are f**king stupid!”
Hunt: “’You two!!! Oh, thank god, you can see me! For a second I thought I had turned invisible, but like everyone else in my life you were just ignoring me!”

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