EARLY TEARS Born postwar London 1949. Early childhood with beloved Mother and dear Nan with her endless love. Good man stepfather Hole Farm, Great Warley, Essex, part of the feudal de Rougemont estate. Attended Great Warley Primary School, benefited from traditional but wonderful teachers Miss Thomas and Miss Robinson. I was a rare triumph for the school in gaining the 11 Plus exam, winning access to privileged education.

SCHOOLING Boarding school 1960-63 a time of misery. As Quentin (dear friend) said when he was sent to prison as punishment, he knew what the punishment was for. Rebellions, running away, finally won free only because my health broke down. Grammar school next which was not too bad: at least only part time, and some good memories (Haze, PussyCat, Flances). Miniskirts and white lipstick. 6 X GCEs 1966.

NEW YORK INTERLUDE Beloved Mother remarried father, but no not a happy thing. Lost, lonely, groomed, degraded, ran away at 18 for life in 60s Greenwich Village. ‘The Scum Manifesto’ says it.

LONDON Turbulent times, crazy mix, bus conductor, living as a boy, attempts to study. New name SHAN JAYRAN. Gateways and Soho clubs as ‘Jan’ dancing the night away, art model and so on, suicide and breakdown.

AMERICA AGAIN Moneyed life with apologetic parents and the elegant epileptic Siamese Cija. They drank, I suffered, I left. 21st birthday. College, some good counselling. Triad Adele, David. Only a Jew would leave you at Christmas. So back home to England.

FEMINISM Did A levels on my own, won my dream of BA Philosophy Hons. UCL on GLC grant. Voracious feminist reading, the first Radical Feminist group (UK) Finsbury Park. The first Women’s Liberation conferences. Separatism. Taichi. Theravada Buddhism. Tomkiewicz. Arnold Zuboff my thanks. 1975 moved to Abbeville Rd. South London. TEFL. Breakdown, therapy. Tony my beautiful role reversal boy. Quentin. Tissy and Sapphy. Graduation 1976. Bought flat (new thing as a girl at the time). Alone again lonely misery and debt. Assertiveness Training revolution. At last great love Jo.

‘TABBIES’ With Jo I won the dream. Converted terraced shop, rooms to women’s retreat, a golden place of women of all kinds coalescing sisterhood in cafe, sauna, meeting room, massage, TaiChi, yoga, arts, meditation, my first teachings on Goddess. My third decade and the first half was good. Then chucked Jo for betrayal. Despair and debt. Business partnership with Alan.

HOUSE OF THE GODDESS Following a black thread in the dark, building a temple and national network. I became moderately famous as priestess of the Craft (witch). ‘Circlework’ course, practical ritual. Celebrating the festivals bigger and bigger. Clan Council. Pagan Halloween festival, first national Pagan event open to the public. Bigger and bigger. Publishing books, film, consultancy. 1990s Child abuse hysteria. Neo-liberal politics/ consumerism crushed HoG ideals. But in my microcosm there was John, my love my rock, my bloke (1989 I was 40).

OUR FAMILY Deep love, Wales, motherhood. Painful but ecstatic, healing but exhausting. Health never recovered. Moving away from London exposed us to social workers Kafka terrorism. Moved again, attempted another temple clan (House Morgain, and now SHÂN MORGAIN) but too exhausted and society different. Attempt at PhD ‘Spirituality of Mothering’, ahead of my time (again). Grew academics’ Goddess network, crushed by senior academics. Ground down to basic survival practicalities, tutoring online (First College) and a rental. But the eternal happiness of the Boy is the centre of all.

MABINOGI RHIANNON 2012 I was 60. Second try PhD on the first prose stories, a safe enclave but Rhiannon a hard mistress: “Tell my story”she said Physically weaker but mentally becoming giant. John my twin spirit right hand. Living increasingly as recluse so Covid pandemic lockdown little different. Writing writing writing. Breast cancer 2018 Valentina Lefemine & Margaret, John devoted support. SciFi rays. Marital togetherness: John cancer 2019 but his much longer, nastier. PhD kept going. Perhaps big good thing boy belatedly grew up, conquered his depression. 2023 we all three did collapse and recovery. Now hopeful as our strength improves and election prospect.